 It is a calm and still start to the walk today, quite eerie for a school playground. There is a sense of everything quietly falling into place. Coming together. A gentleness.
Green is really standing out for me on The Path today. As obvious as that may sound, since nature is of course very green, different things stand out on different days. In fact, it's not that often I do notice the green simply because it is everywhere. All-pervasive. A little like Love. Also hard to capture or appreciate because it is everywhere. It is everything. Easily taken for granted. Green, as the colour of the Heart Chakra, represents health, balance and wellbeing. I notice the colour is much more vibrant in person. It is difficult to capture its depth through the lens of the camera. It seems, to really have a sense of it I need to be present, in the flesh, in the moment. With no desire to think, talk or record I am loving this stillness. Having never walked down this steep hill, the final leg of my journey, feeling so laid back and in alignment there is a feeling that today I have found my place and I am in my space. Heaven. Much love <3
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 There is so much confusion as I begin The Path today that I am, literally, not sure whether I am coming or going. Let me explain. It goes something like this; husband is going to accompany me on the walk today but isn't ready. Daughter has got herself ready for school early and wants to leave now. Daughter wants daddy to come but doesn't want to be late. We leave without him, having arranged for him to catch up with me at the school gates. Almost there, realise no PE kit. Ring husband but no answer. Turn back to fetch it while daughter goes into school. Arrive home but locked out as husband has left and has key. Walk back to school to find him but not there. Has he gone home or walked ahead? Do I walk the walk knowing my daughter will not get her PE kit in time and will have to do lines as punishment? Or, do I head home to a possibly locked house leaving a husband wondering where on earth I am?
Deep breath. What's really going on here? I wonder to myself. The answer: I invited all this. I could have just walked the walk as I always do but no, as my husband is home I invite him to join me. Usually his worst nightmare, today he accepts the invitation and confusion ensues. I notice it's easy to blame him for the turmoil; not being ready on time, no phone. I can just as easily lay blame at my daughter's feet; not taking responsibility for her PE kit, wanting to leave without daddy. But, as valid as these points may be I hear the Buddhist slogan Drive all blames into one ringing annoyingly in my ear. The slogan suggests inner peace comes from noticing the ways in which we are responsible for our own experience, and so I take a moment to consider why I invited him to walk the path with me? The truth is, we have questioned our marriage of late and have asked ourselves whether the path to greater fulfilment for both of us lies together or apart. There is no doubt that my love for him is deep and eternal AND I notice us both struggling to step into a more joyful existence. Is it a sign of the end or is it an uncomfortable period of transformation that is taking us to a deeper joint experience? We do not know but we are staying present with what is, and so, despite the confusion on the path today I am really glad we both paused, followed our own instincts, and found each other. We walked home together, dropped off the PE kit together, and began the walk afresh, together. I am glad I invited all this <3 <3  There is a sense of I have nothing on The Path today…and it feels pretty light. For example, I don't seem to be concerned about whether I have anything to write, anything to offer, or not. This is new. No anxiety, worry, stress, tension?
The sky is a translucent blue. It is a crisp, but sunny day. My daughter asked if she could walk to school with her big brother, leaving me to walk my walk with an air of lightness and freedom…and yes, a little pang in my heart that she is growing up. However beautifully. I hear the sound of my own footsteps. Squelch, squelch, squelch! I notice a dainty-looking red-breasted robin in the bush. Do I take in the wonder or do I slowly try to capture? What a wonderful photo that would make. Trying to appreciate the robin and my desire to capture I slowly go to take the shot but of course away he bobs. And further still the more I try to follow. I am in danger of losing my boot with every step I take up the water-logged and muddy hill. Towards the shady summit I purposefully step on the frozen footprints of those that have gone before me, delighting in the crunching and the cracking sound. My daughter would love this. The thought of her serves as a constant reminder to enjoy the simple pleasures. I notice I am a little fuzzy today, and this is reflected in the pictures I try to take. Both I and the camera seem unable to focus on the detail. Some days are best left just as they are I think to myself. Feels good to give myself permission not to change a thing. And yet there are moments of clarity and pure appreciation interspersed throughout the path. The voluptuous curves of the rolling field, the deep blue sky that I want to dip my fingers into, the explosive colours of the tiny leaf resting amidst the mud, the dew drop hanging from the bright red berry, the cool air in the back of my throat, and the lightness I feel in my body. In this moment it seems I have nothing and everything all at once. Once home I look up the word translucent. Allowing light, but not detailed images, to pass through. Yes, it's certainly one of those days.  The wind is incredibly strong on The Path today. There'll be some cobwebs blown away for sure. It's my first walk in ages and I have some pretty big personal questions to put to the universe today. My last blog was about dropping the stories in my head and feeling what I feel instead. Well, I have certainly been living my own advice and, as reflected by the weather today, l am feeling pretty windswept as a result.
I notice a curious little leaf, vibrant reds and yellows on one half and pretty dark on the other. Something resonates about those same two qualities in me. As I go in to take a photo suddenly it is gone and I am left focussing on the bare ground. The wind has whipped it away. Somewhat determined I find the leaf and put it back where it was. Once again the wind flips it over. Again I turn it over and take the photo. The elusive life of nature! Or perhaps, the elusive nature of life. It's my first walk of 2014 and I notice so much about my world doesn't seem to fit anymore. Despite spending the last few years consciously 'letting go' of that which does not serve me I realise there is still so much to be released. The figure 90% springs to mind. How frightening! I see that if I were to have the courage to let go of everything that no longer works for me my life would be unrecognisable. I guess that's what makes change seem so difficult. What would that remaining 10% look like? How would it feel? I suspect a whole lot lighter, gentler and a lot more loving. Which relationships have served their time I wonder and which are to evolve and thrive as we move forward, deeper still? Some I feel sure about, but others I honestly don't know yet. Walking up the hill is tough going today. Extremely slippery. The challenge has left me quite out of breath so I stop to have a look around. The view is beautiful. Really beautiful. Like a summer's day. When it comes to the questions in my mind I sense I just have to trust. When it comes to relationships, at a soul level, if they are meant to last nothing could separate us. On the other hand, there is no point fighting something that is no longer serving both parties. I just need to follow through with what I am feeling because I do tend to question myself. What am I playing at? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just settle for 'what is'? I notice I have this notion that there is something 'spiritual' about settling for what is. For my lot. Acceptance in the here and now. And yet, I suspect acceptance in the present moment provides a strong foundation that affords us the courage to allow natural change in the up-and-coming present moments. Change that leads to growth and evolution for all concerned. Whether it's relationships or business or parenting or health or life purpose, trying to make changes can feel unbearably gruelling. When we feel what we're feeling it places us right in the, often ugly, midst of our current reality. It is difficult to be in the midst of our emotions AND maintain a sense of clear perspective. But, without feeling what we feel we cannot truly know anything about ourselves. So feel we must but, by not entering into the stories of who did what to who and what is right or wrong we can learn to simply swoop in, feel, and swoop back out into the bigger picture with an even clearer perspective on the situation. As I lean on a fence post for support with a sense of I'm not leaving until I get what I am supposed to get from this walk it begins to move and bend in the wind, and I with it. I am definitely getting a sense of the importance of flexibility in these turbulent times…and so, onward I go. The words Don't seek to understand. Keep moving and trusting come to mind. Is this the advice I have been seeking? Feels right. It doesn't feel easy but it feels right. An arching twig of thorns snatches some of the wool from the bobble on my hat. Amused, I start to take photos of the pink blur as it is whipped around in all directions. It's moving so fast it is difficult to capture so I just click click click laughing to myself as if nature and I are playing a game. Then suddenly, just as with the leaf, whoosh the wind snatches the wool and the game is over. Once again, it seems I am describing the fleeting reality of nature/nature of reality. So, without trying too hard to capture, I shall keep doing what I know to be true in my heart. With love and openness. I shall keep moving forward. Here's to a wonderful new year. <3 |
AuthorTrained in a depth, buddhist-based psychotherapy, using everyday outer world experiences to develop inner wisdom, one day at a time. Archives
September 2015
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