 I've been feeling a little crazy over the past few days and today on The Path, halfway down the hill, I plonk myself down on the verge and consciously sit with it. I notice anxiety around stopping. A general fear that I don't have enough time to stop and that if I do I won't get "it all" done. A sure sign that I really need to stop!
Just stopping right where I am feels really good - butt perched in the grass (even with a white skirt on) and bare feet on the dusty path. Taking a moment to bask in the warmth of the sun. I can breathe. I am aware of the sounds around me. In the distance I hear what sounds like cuckoo, cuckoo. Yep, that just about sums it up! I giggle to myself. First I hear one bird high up on the hill, then I hear another down below. It's like nature in stereo, only they are noticeably out of sync. As the second bird tries to verbally catch up with the first (or so it seems) I am aware of a familiar ache in my heart, just willing it to find resonance with the other. To come together and sing as one. They're getting closer. Its almost there. Surely this time…but no, it doesn't happen and I feel such a sense of grief that they never quite meet. Of course, this isn't really about the birds at all. The outer world is simply a reflection of our inner world. It's about me...and contact, and longing, and separation, and grief. A good time to stop and take care of myself after all :-)))
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 Even though we are cruising toward the month of June the cold and challenging winter moments seem to be outlasting the warm and easy summer moments and I find myself questioning whether walking The Path is worth it at all. Sometimes, it simply appears to invite trouble.
Weighing up the rewards, it seems even on the "spiritual" path the ultimate question is What's in it for me? Does that make me selfish, I wonder? And yet, why we would we do anything, even sacrifice ourselves, unless at some level we felt better for it? Choosing to take the easier route past, rather than through, the dark wood I sense now is not the time for plumbing the depths. All that anal-ysing and knowledge-seeking of the past was a wonderful gift at the time but right now I sense the joy of Being, without question. Trudging up the hill there is a hint of nausea and a sense of drive, drive, drive. Just stop, I tell myself. I can't just stop here. I'm in the middle of the path and it's starting to rain, I protest. Life feels a little like this at the moment. Maybe I could stop later, but what good could possibly come of stoping now? Noticing the resistance I do stop. An ache all around my lower back becomes evident, an area that is said to represent fears around money and financial security. Hmmm…it seems there is a sense of financial insecurity currently driving many of us. I wonder what it is like to not be driven by our financial situation but to be driven by joy instead? And in this case, by driven I mean chauffeured. Sitting in the back seat, feet up, taking in the view, letting joy be the driver. Over the years I realise I've had some pretty odd-sounding personal ambitions...I want to be a Radiator (someone who radiates love), I want to be an Air-head (someone with a clear mind), and right now I am adding Joyrider to the list! Happy cruising x  Feel like I'm in a complete spin on The Path today. Just like these flowers (which happen to be jittering frantically in the breeze) I am shaking like a leaf. Even though my legs are tired I'm hoping just by walking everything will magically be okay by the time I finish, as is often the case, but right now I cannot feel the magic. My mind is far too busy and even though I am aware of it I can't seem to stop it.
Funny that we are now into the new financial year because the word that comes to mind is over-taxed. One definition of tax is make heavy demands on someone's powers or resources. Yes, that feels about right today. As I look at the dark clouds on the horizon I notice a sense of betrayal. I swear the guy on the radio said we were at the start of two-week heatwave! Was he taking the p*ss? I don't usually listen to the weather forecast because it is so often sends me in the wrong direction. Confuses me. I prefer to look out of the window and see what is happening for myself but for some reason I bought into what the radio guy said. As spots of rain fall I feel foolish. Why did I listen to him? Trust his judgment over my own? Since time is short and I am having to squeeze in this walk (supposedly for the joy of it!) I take the shortcut home down the middle of the field. The ground is uneven and barely visible beneath the long grass and so one foot has to walk on a higher part of the path than the other. Call yourself a path! I catch myself muttering. As miserable as I appear to be at this point, I have to laugh at myself. Having to take the higher and the lower path simultaneously reminds me of what it is like being human and recognising our Divinity at the same time. It can take a bit of practice and can often leave us walking with a limp :-) Realising I am not likely to make myself happy today I surrender to the intensity of the day…and, paradoxically enough, begin to relax. I notice that despite the very real challenges of life it is I that am ultimately taxing myself. What a strange thing to do! It's not the mountain that exhausts you but the grit in your shoe (source unknown) |
AuthorTrained in a depth, buddhist-based psychotherapy, using everyday outer world experiences to develop inner wisdom, one day at a time. Archives
September 2015
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