I’m sensing a time lag at the moment whereby I feel I am still processing the experiences of last week. There was an interesting mix of emotions, to say the least, from travelling light to two dollops of sh*t on The Path. It’s as if the more intensely I experience one thing (e.g. light and love) the more present its opposite (darkness and fear) seems to be.
Walking the path the day after writing travelling light (31-10-13) I sensed a distant rumble of impending darkness on the horizon. A tsunami of fear heading my way. It seemed to have magnitude equal to the Light I had expressed the day before. If it had a voice it would have been booming How dare you bring Light! It felt as if an epic battle of gooood vs evilllll was about to take place!
I took my hands out my pockets as I had the day before, but this time with a sense of being ready to fight. Ready to break this pattern of fear once and for all. Bizarrely, I felt the urge to break into a sparring run, just like a boxer in training. And so, with a quick check for the presence of fellow-walkers (I’m not that brave yet!) I did. Punching left and right. Jab, jab, jab jab jab! I sparred with the darkness for a full minute or two. It was such a relief to release the physical tension, particularly from around my shoulders. It felt like I was shaking off my fears regarding the sense of impending doom. Come on then, if you think you’re dark enough!
The following day I felt the urge to walk the path for a second time, only this time recording my voice rather than typing notes. I had always appreciated that as I typed my notes they would automatically backup onto my computer. Everything was clearly visible. Recording my voice, however, would involve manually typing up the transcript once I was home. I wondered if it would be worth the effort?
As it turned out, it was quite an experience. Recording my voice seemed to free me up. I would simply stop, and in my mind, just waffle! And then carry on enjoying the walk. It was effortless. Only, whereas I would normally have between one and twenty typed sentences, by the time I got home I had I over ten minutes of recording. It seemed that trying to make sense of my mutterings might be harder work after all. Yet, when I played back the voice memo it was absolutely coherent from beginning to end. OMG! I have really tapped into something powerful here, I thought. It did take quite a while to transcribe but it was a joy. It also shocked me that I didn’t flinch at the sound of my own voice for perhaps the first time ever. It sounded quite clear and confident. Who on earth was this person?
…to be continued.
Trained in a depth, buddhist-based psychotherapy, using everyday outer world experiences to develop inner wisdom, one day at a time.