Conker-ing fear

I’m sensing a time lag at the moment whereby I feel I am still processing the experiences of last week. There was an interesting mix of emotions, to say the least, from travelling light to two dollops of sh*t on The Path. It’s as if the more intensely I experience one thing (e.g. light and love) the more present its opposite (darkness and fear) seems to be. 

Walking the path the day after writing travelling light (31-10-13) I sensed a distant rumble of impending darkness on the horizon. A tsunami of fear heading my way.  It seemed to have magnitude equal to the Light I had expressed the day before. If it had a voice it would have been booming How dare you bring Light! It felt as if an epic battle of gooood vs evilllll was about to take place! 

I took my hands out my pockets as I had the day before, but this time with a sense of being ready to fight. Ready to break this pattern of fear once and for all. Bizarrely, I felt the urge to break into a sparring run, just like a boxer in training. And so, with a quick check for the presence of fellow-walkers (I’m not that brave yet!) I did. Punching left and right. Jab, jab, jab jab jab! I sparred with the darkness for a full minute or two. It was such a relief to release the physical tension, particularly from around my shoulders. It felt like I was shaking off my fears regarding the sense of impending doom. Come on then, if you think you’re dark enough!

The following day I felt the urge to walk the path for a second time, only this time recording my voice rather than typing notes. I had always appreciated that as I typed my notes they would automatically backup onto my computer. Everything was clearly visible. Recording my voice, however, would involve manually typing up the transcript once I was home. I wondered if it would be worth the effort?

As it turned out, it was quite an experience. Recording my voice seemed to free me up. I would simply stop, and in my mind, just waffle! And then carry on enjoying the walk. It was effortless. Only, whereas I would normally have between one and twenty typed sentences, by the time I got home I had I over ten minutes of recording. It seemed that trying to make sense of my mutterings might be harder work after all. Yet, when I played back the voice memo it was absolutely coherent from beginning to end. OMG! I have really tapped into something powerful here, I thought. It did take quite a while to transcribe but it was a joy. It also shocked me that I didn’t flinch at the sound of my own voice for perhaps the first time ever. It sounded quite clear and confident. Who on earth was this person?

…to be continued.

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