The autumn leaves scatter as I plough through them, not because I am being childishly playful but because I feel as if I can barely lift my feet. I realise I am feeling really bad on The Path today. I'm shocked. I didn't expect this at all. A plethora of thoughts and judgments and opinions (mostly directed at myself) spin around inside my head. Why aren't you happier? What's the matter with you? This is ridiculous, cheer up! In essence, I am feeling bad about feeling bad.
There has been a lot of challenge over the past couple of weeks. It's hardly surprising that I am feeling what I am feeling. I notice the less-than-compassionate tone of the voices in my head. A powerful mantra that came to me a couple of days ago suddenly comes to mind: Drop the stories and feel what you feel. And so I do, and without any judgment I feel what I am feeling.
Heavy, uncomfortable, agitated, like I am wearing lead boots. Suddenly I realise the heaviness has lifted. I may not be smiling but all tension has left my body. How curious. How instantaneous! In my mind I can hear a gentle Shhhhhhhhhhhhh as I walk the walk. I am reminded of when the children were babies and I would settle them in the darkness, just rocking and holding them with a gentle shhhhh to lull them back to sleep. Only, for me it doesn't feel like sleep but walking myself into a gentle state of peace.
I've missed being in contact over the past couple of weeks. I've missed reaching out. There is no doubt, however, that it has been a time of deep transformation and I am grateful for the time I took to disconnect for a while. I feel like I've learned so much about myself and the world and the nature of reality. But most of all, today, I've learned that feeling bad isn't so bad after all. It's feeling bad about feeling bad that is the killer! :-)
Trained in a depth, buddhist-based psychotherapy, using everyday outer world experiences to develop inner wisdom, one day at a time.