The wind is incredibly strong on The Path today. There'll be some cobwebs blown away for sure. It's my first walk in ages and I have some pretty big personal questions to put to the universe today. My last blog was about dropping the stories in my head and feeling what I feel instead. Well, I have certainly been living my own advice and, as reflected by the weather today, l am feeling pretty windswept as a result.
I notice a curious little leaf, vibrant reds and yellows on one half and pretty dark on the other. Something resonates about those same two qualities in me. As I go in to take a photo suddenly it is gone and I am left focussing on the bare ground. The wind has whipped it away. Somewhat determined I find the leaf and put it back where it was. Once again the wind flips it over. Again I turn it over and take the photo. The elusive life of nature! Or perhaps, the elusive nature of life.
It's my first walk of 2014 and I notice so much about my world doesn't seem to fit anymore. Despite spending the last few years consciously 'letting go' of that which does not serve me I realise there is still so much to be released. The figure 90% springs to mind. How frightening! I see that if I were to have the courage to let go of everything that no longer works for me my life would be unrecognisable. I guess that's what makes change seem so difficult. What would that remaining 10% look like? How would it feel? I suspect a whole lot lighter, gentler and a lot more loving. Which relationships have served their time I wonder and which are to evolve and thrive as we move forward, deeper still? Some I feel sure about, but others I honestly don't know yet.
Walking up the hill is tough going today. Extremely slippery. The challenge has left me quite out of breath so I stop to have a look around. The view is beautiful. Really beautiful. Like a summer's day. When it comes to the questions in my mind I sense I just have to trust. When it comes to relationships, at a soul level, if they are meant to last nothing could separate us. On the other hand, there is no point fighting something that is no longer serving both parties. I just need to follow through with what I am feeling because I do tend to question myself. What am I playing at? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just settle for 'what is'? I notice I have this notion that there is something 'spiritual' about settling for what is. For my lot. Acceptance in the here and now. And yet, I suspect acceptance in the present moment provides a strong foundation that affords us the courage to allow natural change in the up-and-coming present moments. Change that leads to growth and evolution for all concerned.
Whether it's relationships or business or parenting or health or life purpose, trying to make changes can feel unbearably gruelling. When we feel what we're feeling it places us right in the, often ugly, midst of our current reality. It is difficult to be in the midst of our emotions AND maintain a sense of clear perspective. But, without feeling what we feel we cannot truly know anything about ourselves. So feel we must but, by not entering into the stories of who did what to who and what is right or wrong we can learn to simply swoop in, feel, and swoop back out into the bigger picture with an even clearer perspective on the situation. As I lean on a fence post for support with a sense of I'm not leaving until I get what I am supposed to get from this walk it begins to move and bend in the wind, and I with it. I am definitely getting a sense of the importance of flexibility in these turbulent times…and so, onward I go.
The words Don't seek to understand. Keep moving and trusting come to mind. Is this the advice I have been seeking? Feels right. It doesn't feel easy but it feels right. An arching twig of thorns snatches some of the wool from the bobble on my hat. Amused, I start to take photos of the pink blur as it is whipped around in all directions. It's moving so fast it is difficult to capture so I just click click click laughing to myself as if nature and I are playing a game. Then suddenly, just as with the leaf, whoosh the wind snatches the wool and the game is over. Once again, it seems I am describing the fleeting reality of nature/nature of reality. So, without trying too hard to capture, I shall keep doing what I know to be true in my heart. With love and openness. I shall keep moving forward.
Here's to a wonderful new year. <3
Trained in a depth, buddhist-based psychotherapy, using everyday outer world experiences to develop inner wisdom, one day at a time.