 As I notice the absolutely beautiful, gorgeous, divine colours of the flowers on The Path today there is a feeling of the full spectrum being here. The whole kit and caboodle. This leads me to consider the notion that, in reality, we are all One. I think about what a lovely a concept it is but how difficult to comprehend with our rational minds. I wonder what it would be like to allow ourselves a moment of freedom to imagine What if, on some level, we are everybody else? That we are having all of these experiences even though we are only aware of our own singular experience? What if in the greater reality we are that billionaire, that homeless person, the Buddhist monk, the paedophile, the guru, the banker, the carer, the mentally ill person, the saint? What if we are already experiencing it all? Then what would we choose? Just for the fun of it?
How about you?
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 Now, I realise broken twigs are inherently Y-shaped but they are all I seem to be noticing on The Path today. I find myself repeatedly chanting why, why, why, why, why… Curious that, as lately I've stopped needing or wanting to know the how's and why's when it comes to the finer details in life. Instead, daring to take a risk and trust that a higher power (of which I am a part) has all the details covered. Divine orchestration, so to speak. Choosing to rest in the knowledge that there is only ever one answer to the question Why? That being; LOVE.
Have a fabulous day <3  Just as I am about to record my first thoughts on The Path today I drop my phone…with excitement, I think. Or, perhaps a nervousness.
There is a feeling that despite still being well and truly in the thick of it I am, in truth, liberated. A feeling that isn't based on the issues being resolved. They're not. I am simply feeling free already. There is a sense of complete bodily lightness and a joy at having transcended the mire in this moment. The excitement, it seems, is knowing that as long as I allow this sense of ok-ness the physical world will catch up and match my vibration and I will have walked through the challenges and faced my worst fears once again. The nervousness, on the other hand, is that it feels like a game, an exploration. In short, a risk! An experiment to see what happens when I allow this feeling of flow to continue rather than blocking it with anxious thoughts and worst-case-scenarios. It still feels like the biggest challenges are yet to come but there is also this lightness of step as I sense myself walking through it. Not knowing how it is going to work out and not wanting to know. Accepting, though, I will still have my moments along the way ;-) I notice the tall, green daffodil leaves though no sign of flowers yet. However, I feel strangely excited to know they are on their way. I look forward to seeing the first bright yellow flowers. In fact, it seems their potential is already here. Just waiting to be expressed. ...Eventually I realise this is really about me. Normally my mind would be full of anxious thoughts around What if I'm wrong? What if I'm fooling myself? What if everything isn't really ok? But not today. Today I realise there is nothing to lose. If I am wrong then nothing has changed...except I am happy. Right now, that's all the change I need :-)  I've heard it said that fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin. I'd like to believe it. I've also heard fear is excitement, without the breath. Walking the The Path in reverse again - steepest part first - I am certainly that!
As I stepped out of the door today I noticed it had started to rain. I paused for a moment wondering whether to change but thought What the heck! I may be a little unprepared but I've had enough of all the fuss and finer details today. I just want to get out there. Interestingly though, with so many major upheavals in my life right now I am feeling a lack of protection (like going out in the rain without a raincoat) and yet at the same time a feeling that the safety I need to feel comes from within (trusting 'a little rain' won't hurt me). I notice I am marching purposefully with a feeling that despite everything I am on the right path. I'm just over half way now and the path suddenly feels relentlessly muddy. I can feel myself going into overwhelm. I talk to myself, keeping a sense of presence. Right now I'm sick of the physical and the metaphorical mud. As I breathe deeply I realise I can make the mud a problem or I can choose to detach and see it as just mud. I can stop focussing on the battle and enjoy the fact that I'm out. Free to walk this path. Trusting this muddy spell will come to an end. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now but I'm trusting it's there. In fact, on some level knowing it's already here. Further along I notice a Mars Bar wrapper. It makes me think of energy. Feeling battle-weary I sense the need to build up some energy. Then I wonder if all we really ever need to do is conserve energy. Mars also makes me think of the God of War and I sense the energy that is needed for battle, for the challenges of life. But what if we already have enough? What if we simply waste it on feelings of blame, shame and guilt? Perhaps if we let go of these life-zapping emotions we'd automatically become energised. With the blocks released life could flow through us once again. Now there's a thought! :-)  I'm walking The Path in reverse today which means starting with the steepest part first. I notice what a challenge it is. Breathless. Wordless. Thoughtless. It's late in the day so I'm grateful for the freedom to walk at all. There is a feeling of having come so far. I notice my energy is low as I am face-to-face with many of my worst fears and yet there is a wider sense of the absolute beauty and stillness of the bigger picture. On a daily basis, I watch the fears slowly shifting into something softer before my very eyes.
At the same time, my feet are slipping back in the mud even though the ground is almost flat and there is a sense that I am not getting very far. Hmmm, interesting. What a contrast between the bigger and the smaller picture. Having come so far and not getting very far all in the same moment. Whenever I experience such a paradox I have a sense of being in touch with reality - with a capital R. How things truly are. Not this or that but this and that. As I notice this rotting apple on the ground (see above) it makes me smile. Halloween comes to mind. And so too a dastardly cartoon character. Funnily enough, just like a cartoon character my legs are whizzing round and round and not getting me anywhere as I try to make my way out of this muddy situation. Perhaps I could just stop trying so hard. I could accept this is where I am right now. As I do, I am reminded that these muddy, turbulent, confusing, overwhelming times are where all the transformation takes place. The trick being to remember this whilst we are still in it. Not just with the benefit of hindsight when it is much easier to do. Not knowing how on Earth we are going to make it through but choosing simply to relax in the knowledge that we will. What a treat! As I look out onto the field from the shadows it feels as if my eyes are playing tricks on me. The lower half of my vision, the ground below, seems to be shifting. How unnerving. And yet there is a level of freedom and appreciation in this moment despite feeling in the thick of it. It's what I call an AND experience. Being in both worlds at the same time time. Embracing the illusion of being human as well as the truth of our divinity. Trick and Treat. Whole and Complete.  The first thing I notice on The Path today is the hedge that I would like to say has been trimmed but in fact seems to have been butchered. Ouch! So there's quite a brutal quality to the walk already. The raw, protruding twig-ends adding to the air of severance. All in the name of health and new growth perhaps but surely there is a gentler way? Pruning, for example, still has a nippy quality to it and yet seems kinder and more considered at the same time. Of course, this isn't just about the hedge. It's a reflection of what is going on inside me. Double ouch!
I notice a sense of severance going on in and all around me at the moment. I seem to be letting go of so much lately. Most changes I am making by choice but others are being thrust upon me. Out of the blue. Either way, it can be quite bewildering. The pain of separation is also painfully evident throughout the family on a number of levels. When one of us is in pain, whether physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, it is easy for me to assume the pain is either mine or the theirs and yet the truth is we are not as separate as we think we are. We all have the capacity to feel each others pain. Similarly, as a part of the whole called Humanity, pain is both a personal and a collective experience. It's no wonder so many of us have a tendency to switch off, disconnect, numb and distract ourselves! The good news is; in order to lessen the collective pain of Humanity we need only look at our own since what is acknowledged, allowed and transformed within is reflected in the outer world. Every step toward inner peace is automatically a step toward world peace. We are that effect-ive. That powerful. That connected. As I continue the walk I come across barbed wire, broken glass and a bloody, headless pigeon. Boy, life can be tough! Then I notice these green shoots, possibly from some kind of bulb. My breath is taken away as I realise that even in the midst of winter new growth is already springing forth. Suddenly I am feeling lighter, warmer and more prepared for what is to come. Light-bulb ;-)  It is a calm and still start to the walk today, quite eerie for a school playground. There is a sense of everything quietly falling into place. Coming together. A gentleness.
Green is really standing out for me on The Path today. As obvious as that may sound, since nature is of course very green, different things stand out on different days. In fact, it's not that often I do notice the green simply because it is everywhere. All-pervasive. A little like Love. Also hard to capture or appreciate because it is everywhere. It is everything. Easily taken for granted. Green, as the colour of the Heart Chakra, represents health, balance and wellbeing. I notice the colour is much more vibrant in person. It is difficult to capture its depth through the lens of the camera. It seems, to really have a sense of it I need to be present, in the flesh, in the moment. With no desire to think, talk or record I am loving this stillness. Having never walked down this steep hill, the final leg of my journey, feeling so laid back and in alignment there is a feeling that today I have found my place and I am in my space. Heaven. Much love <3  There is so much confusion as I begin The Path today that I am, literally, not sure whether I am coming or going. Let me explain. It goes something like this; husband is going to accompany me on the walk today but isn't ready. Daughter has got herself ready for school early and wants to leave now. Daughter wants daddy to come but doesn't want to be late. We leave without him, having arranged for him to catch up with me at the school gates. Almost there, realise no PE kit. Ring husband but no answer. Turn back to fetch it while daughter goes into school. Arrive home but locked out as husband has left and has key. Walk back to school to find him but not there. Has he gone home or walked ahead? Do I walk the walk knowing my daughter will not get her PE kit in time and will have to do lines as punishment? Or, do I head home to a possibly locked house leaving a husband wondering where on earth I am?
Deep breath. What's really going on here? I wonder to myself. The answer: I invited all this. I could have just walked the walk as I always do but no, as my husband is home I invite him to join me. Usually his worst nightmare, today he accepts the invitation and confusion ensues. I notice it's easy to blame him for the turmoil; not being ready on time, no phone. I can just as easily lay blame at my daughter's feet; not taking responsibility for her PE kit, wanting to leave without daddy. But, as valid as these points may be I hear the Buddhist slogan Drive all blames into one ringing annoyingly in my ear. The slogan suggests inner peace comes from noticing the ways in which we are responsible for our own experience, and so I take a moment to consider why I invited him to walk the path with me? The truth is, we have questioned our marriage of late and have asked ourselves whether the path to greater fulfilment for both of us lies together or apart. There is no doubt that my love for him is deep and eternal AND I notice us both struggling to step into a more joyful existence. Is it a sign of the end or is it an uncomfortable period of transformation that is taking us to a deeper joint experience? We do not know but we are staying present with what is, and so, despite the confusion on the path today I am really glad we both paused, followed our own instincts, and found each other. We walked home together, dropped off the PE kit together, and began the walk afresh, together. I am glad I invited all this <3 <3  There is a sense of I have nothing on The Path today…and it feels pretty light. For example, I don't seem to be concerned about whether I have anything to write, anything to offer, or not. This is new. No anxiety, worry, stress, tension?
The sky is a translucent blue. It is a crisp, but sunny day. My daughter asked if she could walk to school with her big brother, leaving me to walk my walk with an air of lightness and freedom…and yes, a little pang in my heart that she is growing up. However beautifully. I hear the sound of my own footsteps. Squelch, squelch, squelch! I notice a dainty-looking red-breasted robin in the bush. Do I take in the wonder or do I slowly try to capture? What a wonderful photo that would make. Trying to appreciate the robin and my desire to capture I slowly go to take the shot but of course away he bobs. And further still the more I try to follow. I am in danger of losing my boot with every step I take up the water-logged and muddy hill. Towards the shady summit I purposefully step on the frozen footprints of those that have gone before me, delighting in the crunching and the cracking sound. My daughter would love this. The thought of her serves as a constant reminder to enjoy the simple pleasures. I notice I am a little fuzzy today, and this is reflected in the pictures I try to take. Both I and the camera seem unable to focus on the detail. Some days are best left just as they are I think to myself. Feels good to give myself permission not to change a thing. And yet there are moments of clarity and pure appreciation interspersed throughout the path. The voluptuous curves of the rolling field, the deep blue sky that I want to dip my fingers into, the explosive colours of the tiny leaf resting amidst the mud, the dew drop hanging from the bright red berry, the cool air in the back of my throat, and the lightness I feel in my body. In this moment it seems I have nothing and everything all at once. Once home I look up the word translucent. Allowing light, but not detailed images, to pass through. Yes, it's certainly one of those days.  The wind is incredibly strong on The Path today. There'll be some cobwebs blown away for sure. It's my first walk in ages and I have some pretty big personal questions to put to the universe today. My last blog was about dropping the stories in my head and feeling what I feel instead. Well, I have certainly been living my own advice and, as reflected by the weather today, l am feeling pretty windswept as a result.
I notice a curious little leaf, vibrant reds and yellows on one half and pretty dark on the other. Something resonates about those same two qualities in me. As I go in to take a photo suddenly it is gone and I am left focussing on the bare ground. The wind has whipped it away. Somewhat determined I find the leaf and put it back where it was. Once again the wind flips it over. Again I turn it over and take the photo. The elusive life of nature! Or perhaps, the elusive nature of life. It's my first walk of 2014 and I notice so much about my world doesn't seem to fit anymore. Despite spending the last few years consciously 'letting go' of that which does not serve me I realise there is still so much to be released. The figure 90% springs to mind. How frightening! I see that if I were to have the courage to let go of everything that no longer works for me my life would be unrecognisable. I guess that's what makes change seem so difficult. What would that remaining 10% look like? How would it feel? I suspect a whole lot lighter, gentler and a lot more loving. Which relationships have served their time I wonder and which are to evolve and thrive as we move forward, deeper still? Some I feel sure about, but others I honestly don't know yet. Walking up the hill is tough going today. Extremely slippery. The challenge has left me quite out of breath so I stop to have a look around. The view is beautiful. Really beautiful. Like a summer's day. When it comes to the questions in my mind I sense I just have to trust. When it comes to relationships, at a soul level, if they are meant to last nothing could separate us. On the other hand, there is no point fighting something that is no longer serving both parties. I just need to follow through with what I am feeling because I do tend to question myself. What am I playing at? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just settle for 'what is'? I notice I have this notion that there is something 'spiritual' about settling for what is. For my lot. Acceptance in the here and now. And yet, I suspect acceptance in the present moment provides a strong foundation that affords us the courage to allow natural change in the up-and-coming present moments. Change that leads to growth and evolution for all concerned. Whether it's relationships or business or parenting or health or life purpose, trying to make changes can feel unbearably gruelling. When we feel what we're feeling it places us right in the, often ugly, midst of our current reality. It is difficult to be in the midst of our emotions AND maintain a sense of clear perspective. But, without feeling what we feel we cannot truly know anything about ourselves. So feel we must but, by not entering into the stories of who did what to who and what is right or wrong we can learn to simply swoop in, feel, and swoop back out into the bigger picture with an even clearer perspective on the situation. As I lean on a fence post for support with a sense of I'm not leaving until I get what I am supposed to get from this walk it begins to move and bend in the wind, and I with it. I am definitely getting a sense of the importance of flexibility in these turbulent times…and so, onward I go. The words Don't seek to understand. Keep moving and trusting come to mind. Is this the advice I have been seeking? Feels right. It doesn't feel easy but it feels right. An arching twig of thorns snatches some of the wool from the bobble on my hat. Amused, I start to take photos of the pink blur as it is whipped around in all directions. It's moving so fast it is difficult to capture so I just click click click laughing to myself as if nature and I are playing a game. Then suddenly, just as with the leaf, whoosh the wind snatches the wool and the game is over. Once again, it seems I am describing the fleeting reality of nature/nature of reality. So, without trying too hard to capture, I shall keep doing what I know to be true in my heart. With love and openness. I shall keep moving forward. Here's to a wonderful new year. <3 |
AuthorTrained in a depth, buddhist-based psychotherapy, using everyday outer world experiences to develop inner wisdom, one day at a time. Archives
September 2015
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