As I begin walking The Path on this fine sunshiny day I can feel something stuck to the bottom of my shoe. A lump, an irritation. I scrape my shoe along the ground but it doesn't shift. It's not until several attempts later that I realise the lump is on the inside of my shoe so no amount of kicking and scraping is going to get rid of the irritation. What a metaphor!
I feel lost. I haven't walked for a week or so. Although I can cite lots of valid reasons, the truth is there has been resistance to it. Since walking the path is the basis of my blog, my book, my passion, my life, I feel a little ashamed that I have not been walking my talk! Feels strange since it is normally such a joy. Yet, in the time I haven't walked I have felt despair, flatness, and a general lack of passion. I can't help but wonder if the two are connected. I am curious as to what that in-between time is all about. If walking the path is what keeps me grounded and feeling connected what stops me choosing what I know is in my best interests?
As I walk I realise knowing what the resistance is isn't as important as recognising how valuable the in-between time has been, despite the struggle. I didn't try to escape the flatness and depression. I leaned into it. As paradoxical as it may sound, there is such abundance in that still, lifeless, passionless existence when I just allow myself to be in it. Although it is not easy it is a relief to let go and just allow the emptiness, the stillness, the quietness. Almost heaven. The truth is, I am happy in that place of surrender until I start to worry about what others will think of me. Most likely I will be perceived as miserable or perhaps lazy. It's only then, when I resist it, that it becomes a problem. The guilt and shame almost too much to bear.
Now I am back out walking again I can feel the beauty of having stayed with it, the difficulty, the shame, the badness. Only now can I appreciate how much I have shifted. Having felt stuck for what felt like an eternity (even if it was only ten days!) there is such a sense of relief. To be out here, moving again. Filling up my depressed lungs with fresh air. Coming back to life. Feeling free. Just me, my camera, and my words. Natur-ally!
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Trained in a depth, buddhist-based psychotherapy, using everyday outer world experiences to develop inner wisdom, one day at a time.