Starting afresh

There is so much confusion as I begin The Path today that I am, literally, not sure whether I am coming or going. Let me explain. It goes something like this; husband is going to accompany me on the walk today but isn't ready. Daughter has got herself ready for school early and wants to leave now. Daughter wants daddy to come but doesn't want to be late. We leave without him, having arranged for him to catch up with me at the school gates. Almost there, realise no PE kit. Ring husband but no answer. Turn back to fetch it while daughter goes into school. Arrive home but locked out as husband has left and has key. Walk back to school to find him but not there. Has he gone home or walked ahead? Do I walk the walk knowing my daughter will not get her PE kit in time and will have to do lines as punishment? Or, do I head home to a possibly locked house leaving a husband wondering where on earth I am?  

Deep breath.

What's really going on here? I wonder to myself. The answer: I invited all this. I could have just walked the walk as I always do but no, as my husband is home I invite him to join me. Usually his worst nightmare, today he accepts the invitation and confusion ensues. I notice it's easy to blame him for the turmoil; not being ready on time, no phone. I can just as easily lay blame at my daughter's feet; not taking responsibility for her PE kit, wanting to leave without daddy. But, as valid as these points may be I hear the Buddhist slogan Drive all blames into one ringing annoyingly in my ear. 

The slogan suggests inner peace comes from noticing the ways in which we are responsible for our own experience, and so I take a moment to consider why I invited him to walk the path with me? The truth is, we have questioned our marriage of late and have asked ourselves whether the path to greater fulfilment for both of us lies together or apart. There is no doubt that my love for him is deep and eternal AND I notice us both struggling to step into a more joyful existence. Is it a sign of the end or is it an uncomfortable period of transformation that is taking us to a deeper joint experience? We do not know but we are staying present with what is, and so, despite the confusion on the path today I am really glad we both paused, followed our own instincts, and found each other. We walked home together, dropped off the PE kit together, and began the walk afresh, together. 

I am glad I invited all this <3 <3 

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