The softest pillow

Feeling highly activated as I begin The Path today. The rain is torrential. Seems like an age since it has rained with this much intensity. Since water tends to represent the emotions, it seems ironic that I have felt a deep need to cry for the last few days and yet I have been unable to. 

As I trudge defiantly up the hill through the fast-flowing streams of water something comes to mind about wanting to be able to stay on my own path - and how challenging that can be  when what I want and need seems to be at odds with the wants and needs of loved ones. Whispered seductively, the word SURRENDER comes to mind. I feel agitated, irritated and resistant. Surrender to what, exactly? To what I want or to what they want? TO WHAT IS comes the reply. Oh dear! Well, what is, I admit, is anger.

Hunched and walking quite hurriedly I try to minimise the impact of the rain (and my anger) but it is seeping in everywhere. Even through my 'waterproof' clothing. There is nowhere to shelter to make notes. Not even in the woods. No escape. ACCEPT IT. YOU'RE GRIEVING. BIG TORRENTIAL TEARS. But about what? I wonder. 

I notice my left thumb feels peculiar, like it doesn't have full range of movement. I see the body as giving me a literal moment-by-moment update on the state of my inner being, with the thumbs representing my experience of ok-ness in the world (as in giving the thumbs up). Since the left side of my body represents my feminine aspect and the the right my masculine, I take it that this is about feeling restricted  in relation to the feminine aspect of my being. I certainly seem to be struggling with my own expectations of being a wife and mother right now.

So, I take a deep breath. Be with what is. Be with what is. Be with what is I say to myself. I notice my posture naturally become straighter, more aligned.  Instantaneously, the rain eases off to almost non-existent, even though I am on the most exposed part of the path (and my journey as I put myself 'out there"). I am speechless. The actual path hasn't been that tough today, just interesting. It does, however, seem to represent the ongoing challenge in everyday life to simply be myself.

Further along, I realise letting go of guilt, shame and blame isn't a one-time deal, it is an ongoing process. Albeit, one that appears to get easier and swifter over time. I am reminded of a poem I wrote a couple of years ago.

Searching, searching, all my life
To find a place to rest
The nature of impermanence 
Revealed the futile quest 

Then one day laid still enough
I noticed every death
Just like the softest pillow
At the end of each out-breath 

As I near the end of my walk, two fluffy white dogs that I passed moments before run back to me excitedly. I can hear their owner shout Rosy! Rosy! Rosy! 

I shall take that as a sign of what really Is.  :-))


 

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