The Tricky Business Of Relaxing

The Path today begins and ends at Home. Well, of course it always does, but right now it is so beautifully hot and sunny in my garden I realise there's no place I'd rather be. It's perfect. Even though finances are trickier than they have been in a long time I think I can afford to sit in the sunshine for a while. 

It's a nice idea but I notice it is difficult for me to actually stop and relax. I may have taken my armchair outside but I'm still trying to concoct this blog. I'm not sure I can really class this as stopping so I put it down for a while. As I bask in the warmth I sense how guilty I feel doing nothing. I notice the pressure I put on myself to get it finished today. Usually the process is a pleasure but right now I sense I am just trying to be a good writer. I am on autopilot. Ticking all the (write!) boxes. It's no fun doing things just to be good and right. Before long my attention is drawn to the vibrancy of the flowers. I wander barefoot across the lawn to take some photos. Capturing the beauty…my idea of Heaven! 

I see a bright yellow buttercup among some daisies and go in to take a shot. I pause for a moment and wait for the fly to finish its business and fly away. It doesn't. I wait. It's still there. I can't believe I'm poised, camera in hand, waiting for a fly to buzz off. I realise I can just shoo it away but to be honest what gives me the right? My pursuit of the perfect shot doesn't seem any more important than the fly doing its thing. It's there for quite a while. It doesn't seem to be in any hurry. Losing the will to live, I take the shot with the fly in situ and move on to the bright orange marigolds my father cultivated.

Fast forward 24 hours: I look up the word concoct. It suggests to rustle up. Hmmm, yesterday there certainly was a feeling of trying to put something together quickly so I could get on with the business of relaxing. No wonder I wasn't enjoying it - my heart wasn't in it. Choosing to consciously lead a life more pleasurable (and making a living doing it) can be tricky. Pleasing ourselves often brings up feelings of deep shame. It takes courage to truly let go and relax. Like orgasm, to experience the full pleasure we have to be willing to lose ourselves a little. A scary thought for many of us as we associate losing ourselves with losing our mind, our identity, our way (and for writers) the plot ;-). Stepping into a more pleasurable and freer existence can at times feel so ecstatic and un-boundaried it brings us face to face with the fear of our own madness. No wonder we often only toe-dip into pool of joy...and then return to make do with the more familiar.

…having just researched the term buttercup and daisy I've learned in it means crazy in Cockney rhyming slang. 
Well, there you go! Bring it on ;-)

What difference would letting in a little more pleasure make to you today?

---