...So, I am halfway along the path and my phone disengages. Which also happens to be halfway up the hill. I take the opportunity to pause and notice what is here. With a deep breath I watch a flock of birds as they make their way across the horizon. There is a sense of relief. Spaciousness. Relaxation. That is, until I notice myself starting to count them. There are 50. I think of fifty percent. Suddenly an internal rant ensues...You're telling me I'm only f*cking half way on this journey! I could have sworn I was almost there. I don't think I've got the strength for this. I realise, at this point, my glass is very definitely half empty!
As I continue the walk, I continue the rant...
What am I playing at anyway, counting birds, looking for meaning, analysing (anal-ising) everything I see? Why can't I just sit back and accept and appreciate everything just the way it is, without the need to fathom? Life would be a lot more pleasant. A lot more spacious...especially in my head!
The truth, of course, is I can.
So why don't you? I ask myself.
Because I enjoy making sense out of life.
Well you're not enjoying it at the moment, I remind myself pointedly.
No. I'm not.
So why don't you just do it when you're enjoying it, and stop when you're not? I enquire.
Isn't that a bit of a cop out, just engaging in the joy and not the sh*t? Spiritual bypassing, personified?
I then remind myself that quite often I enjoy engaging in the sh*t...eventually :-|It's where all the magic is. Sh*t has transformative potential (as long as we're not bagging in up in sweet-scented poop bags!)
So, what's this all about then, really? I ask myself. What is it I want to say?
It's about resting when we need to rest.
It's about acknowledging the sh*t too. Accepting when it's here right now. Not deliberately cycling in it, though. Using the drama within and without as an excuse not to experience our joy. Instead, we can use our sh*tty feelings and experiences to further inform us about ourselves. Enabling natural change for the better to occur. Simply by noticing how we really are in this moment. What is not working for us right now. It's not necessary to try and get ourselves out of the cycle, or to try and stop cycling (that would just be climbing on yet another cycle!). Bringing gentle awareness to that fact we are in it, are doing it again, is in itself transformative. From Here, with self-awareness, we gradually begin to shift out of the experience, without effort.
Much love on the path <3
Trained in a depth, buddhist-based psychotherapy, using everyday outer world experiences to develop inner wisdom, one day at a time.